Down Once More
by sbnpb
Summary: Set before Syed's birthday, taken from episode 15th April 2010. After the famous sofa push ; There MIGHT be a follow up, depending if anyone likes it!


**Hello everyone! Sorry, it's been ages since I wrote a story! I saw this scene (APRIL 15TH 2010) the other day and wanted to explore it. I know this has been covered many times by other authors, so I thought I'd take my own turn on it. I hope I don't ruin the whole scene for you haha! **

**SYED'S POV  
**

He's pushing me against the sofa, and I forget everything. The rush of my blood, the deafening pounding in my ears is all I can think of now. We haven't been this close in months, and whilst it feels so foreign, this feeling of carnal want- the familiarity of him, this, _us,_ entices me, lures me into giving in, being weak. The proximity of us is my main focus. I need to think of an escape, because this is testing so much more than I can handle. He's probing me further, and I'm fighting back with everything I have left. I don't even care if I hurt him, because he's hurt me. He's the reason for my stupid tears and he's the reason why my marriage is failing.I struggle against him, attempting to make a run for it. This place, this sofa, him, everything – the memories provoke something deep inside of me. But I don't want to run away, because then he'll be right about me and he'll just carry on and on and I... can't take it.

He's pressing my throat to a point where I gag, so I grasp his arm and tear him away. It's so silent, and I feel his heart beat on top of me- I want to capture it. I want to stop him speaking and I want him to stop being right. I want to stop him interfering with _my_ relationship. I want to stop loving him and I want to stop craving him every night. I want to stop lying awake, just _wishing_ that it was him I was holding, kissing, touching, and that someone would comfort _me_ for once. And all these deep repressed feelings that have tortured me from the inside bubble ferociously to the surface; my breath catches and the functions of my brain shut down. I'm losing control, of will, of the power of my own body. I give it all entirely to him.

I kiss him, and my heart, like it always does, just explodes with the joy that will only be released by him. And God, he's kissing me back and I've never loved him more. I'm on the verge of tears. Probably from the overload of emotion that's making me feel sick right now, or the confusion and betrayal that I've felt these last few weeks. Cold tears escape my closed eyes and run down my flushed cheeks, but I don't let him know, he's too busy to notice, anyway. We're doing it too fast, too passionately, but never fast enough. I hold his lovely face in my shaking hands, just to see him again. He looks bewildered and so vulnerable and his arms which support him are wavering. He looks scared and I don't know if I can do this any more: it seems to jeopardise far too much of what I've built over the last months...

He's panting heavily, me still underneath him, bringing me back to consciousness. I'm embarrassingly aware of all the places our bodies are touching. He stops kissing me but doesn't let me go. I don't think he can, which is fortunate because I couldn't bare it if he did. We both know that this is my chance to leave. This is a chance to return to the misery and to pretend this never happened. After all, walking away from a chaste kiss will be nothing compared to the heart ache we'll face when I inevitably move away, have a child, start a family... and we both know that's what'll happen. This is just a hiccup in a long, enduring, predetermined life. He's giving this opportunity to me and we understand that I could go if I wanted to. I stop and admire him for this. I don't think I could ever have that kind of strength. We know that I'll leave regardless of what happens tonight, whether or not we continue this, and we know nothing will ever change that, and that poignant fact breaks my heart more than anything ever could.

I sit up, I look at him and press a kiss to his warm cheek then take off my shirt, silently, keeping eye contact the whole time. He doesn't smile, just nods slightly and takes a breath, understanding what I want from him and giving his consent freely. I don't think he trusts me any more, but that was a predictable product of my absence and treachery. I can't blame him. I'll just have to show him what I feel for him, and all that matters is this night and, for what it's worth, show him that I regret every choice that I've made without him. Tell him he was right if it means he can sleep better at night. It won't even mean anything to him because it can never be anything significant. I feel cheap, and it's a dirty, self-loathing feeling. I actually pity myself for being so desperate for him and I pity him for loving a man who can never give him what he wants.

I want to make him smile, and I want to remember what it all feels like again... I put my forehead to his, and he breathes shakily. I've missed him more than can even be expressed into words, and although I don't want to capitulate after all these months of restraint, I feel like the force that dragged us apart has evaporated. Literally, it's as if this volatile resolve we've built, which felt harder than stone only last week, has crumbled from one kiss. I don't understand why we've treated each other like this, all this attacking and hurting, when we love one another more than any one of us can bare. After a few moments of hesitation, he pulls me into his arms and rests his chin on my head and I fall back into him, the motion encased by a diminuendo of sighs. I close my eyes and listen to his irregular breathing, the beautiful thumping in his chest. I wonder what he's thinking about. He strokes my bare chest, and the feeling that's most prevalent from this gesture is melancholy. We both have to fix each other in the space of this one night, to show how truly sorry we are. And despite how much we are devoted to each other, how much we feel for each other, or how crazy we go when we're not around one another, we have just one night to reunite. Others have lifetimes.

We sit in silence, and the presence of him fills possesses every sense of mine. I can feel him grimacing against my hair, so I stare up at him. _I've really hurt you, haven't I?_ I've rarely seen him like this, and it worries me. I put my arms round his neck and climb onto his lap, facing him, whilst he slips his arms around my waist. He gives me a little smile but it fails to meet the rest of his face.

Suddenly, he presses his lips to mine; and I gasp inwardly at the sensation of butterflies scurrying down my throat, but I've wanted this for so long that there is nothing in this world that could prevent it now. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? That I could stay away from here, from him, the only person I've ever loved? Our kisses are closed mouthed at first, hard quick little pecks all over our faces, our eyes squeezed shut, uncoordinated and clumsy. But then he opens his soft mouth and I follow blindly to his lead, as I can't help but do. I feel his tongue and I smile – _finally._ This is what I've missed, I muse, and I almost forgot in amidst all my misery, the unadulterated ecstasy that is him. Our tongues are entwined, darting in and out of each other's mouths, and he continues to do this as he takes his shirt off. I feel myself getting excited and that familiar rush of blood pumps around my body, anticipation burning in my veins. My movements before more hasty, confident and alive and I break our kiss and start down his neck, slowly, all along his acute jaw line, nibbling waywardly along his collar bone, and he releases a moan. He tucks his head into his chest before I can move on and my lips meet his again. He's elongating this, I know, but instead of feeling deceived, I feel absolutely flattered. He kisses my eyelashes, my nose, my temples: strange places that he's never really focused on before, but I can imagine it's because we haven't been with each other like this for ages.

Our chests are pressed together, the first time in forever and barely a breath between us. It feels so natural, and I feel at ease again. He's my best friend, the only thing I look forward to any more.

"I've wanted this," He sighs in between little kisses "For so long..." His voice sounds uncharacteristically high and broken, but all the same those words lighten my heart. I'm on top of the world all because I'm with him, and the despair I've endured feel like it's been suffered in vain. _All I had to do was come and find you. _

I'm starting to get a little impatient, and even the slightest movement between us is becoming unbearable. I tear away from his hold and hover over his abdomen, tracing the defined lines with my finger. I forget my plan to take it slow, and unbutton both our trousers. He kicks them off his legs and we both strip ourselves of the rest. I scramble onto my feet and offer out my hand, to which he smiles and takes it, and I lead him to our bed, him falling behind me. I feel strong, I'm ready. Our joined hands creates a current that whips down my arm, spreading through my whole body until I'm shaking and every nerve is alive, so much so that I can feel the tips of my fingers fizzling, every hair standing on end. I shuffle to the very middle of the bed and pull him down with me, where he sits opposite, cross-legged and an angelic expression on his boyish face which makes me laugh considering the situation.

"Come here then..." I tease, giving him a washy smile that I can barely maintain because I want him so bad. He crawls forward, slowly, looking up through his eyelashes and pushes me with one hand onto the bed. He puts open my legs and I shiver, then he bends down and kisses all up my inner thighs and I grab his hair try to guide him to where I want him to be but he just laughs into my stomach and shakes his head. _Tease!_ I think, but I get he doesn't want to waste time. I catch him glancing quickly to the digital clock next to the bed, and I see his grin fall slightly. It can't be any later than 10pm I guess. I'll just have to tell Amira tomorrow that I was out for my pre-birthday celebrations with a few mates. She'll probably believe that. Mum, on the other hand, will be more sceptical -

Coherent thoughts, as usual, are interrupted as he lays on top of me, and I lift myself to him, which he responds to, thrusting hard, meeting each other. We both sigh heavily, and instinctively raise our hips again to feel that pleasure.. Again – Again – Again: I strive for that incredible feeling but I want this to last, I want this so much and we've waited far too long. I lift myself up to him again, using the bed underneath me for additional strength, and suddenly we're laughing too, he looks down on me, just beaming that breath taking smile. I raise my hand to his cheek, and he nuzzles into my hand.

"Love you." I breathe, because I owe him that much. I've broken the only person I've ever cared about, and I lost sense of perspective. In moments like this, I think, _is there anything more?_ Because every time I'm in his arms I feel foolish for ever pretending that I could live without him.

"Then everything's gunna be okay." ...I wait. It's not exactly the response I wanted. I feel like he's patronising me. "I love you more, Sy." he paraphrases. Nice save, I think, and after he's managed to redeem himself, I put my legs over his shoulders and reclaim his mouth. We have a lot of catching up to do...

He falls onto the pillow, panting, and I stroke his drenched hair and wait for us to get our breath back. Our bodies are entangled, and it feels so natural, us in our most basic and fundamental state, saturated in everything we'd created. This moment is so, so sweet. We lay facing each other, erubescent and spent, perspiration clinging to every hair on us, breathing in time, whispering everything about anything.

"So... how have you been?" I ask in a low voice, and we both splutter with laughter at my inadequate conversation starter. Though I don't know what I wanted to hear: how much he'd missed me or how well he'd survived without me.

"Fine..." He smirks, then meets my eyes and says, "Well, y'know, I coped,".

He looks up at me, looking very sleepy and beautiful, and presses his hand to my cheek.

"I've missed ya, you know." he whispers.

"Me too," I say, resting my hand on his, and kiss his palm. "It's been... hard without you." I admit, because I don't see the point in lying now. All pretence, all lies and deception – It's all gone.

"Nothing seemed to make sense once you were gone." he says, his voice that octave deeper which happens when he's feeling a little emotional. I nod because I understand every single word he utters. I pull him closer, cradling his wonderful self, holding him because I enjoy it, pleasing him because I want to, loving him because... Oh, there's so many reasons. It's the way he does things, I guess, and the unashamed truth he speaks, his confidence, his smile, the way he makes me laugh like we've known each other our whole lives. I'm loving him now because it's the only way I knew to make it better for him.

"I wish," Christian says, and I hold onto every word, gazing down into his lovely eyes. "That the world would rearrange _itself_."

I laugh. "Er, bit hard when it weighs like 5 trillion tons."

"Really? Bloody hell!" He gasps and I smile, but I am curious as to what he meant. He seems to be drifting off, but he somehow has suspected me staring at him, and immediately opens one eye.

"...What?" he asks suspiciously. I always wonder how he knows when I'm looking.

"What did you mean? 'Bout the world thing?" I start.

"Oh, right. I just wish that we can all forget everything _real_, like religion and money, or whatever. Rich give to the poor and all that..." He closes his eyes, as an indication that he doesn't wish to discuss this further and I am thrown off at first. I then understand that that's not what he meant at all. He just wants to stop being pushed away by everything that's separating us. I smile with a mixture of empathy and compassion, kiss the tip of his nose and grab his hand.

"I know..." I sigh. I think he gets what I'm talking about. "It's a shame we can't get what we want sometimes." He looks up at me we exchange glances in utter mutual understanding of the intention behind those ill-concealed words. After everything that's happened tonight, we're still clinging onto this dream of just being together. I wonder what's dragging us apart, because I want it as bad as him. It seems such a simple want to be with the person you love. But for tonight, just for a mere seven hours or so, we do only what is possible in our forbidden and limited time left. And so we hold each other, that whole humid April night, and I don't wake up once.

**Eeek! So there you go :S Sorry if it's crap haha! Feel free to leave reviews and I appreciate any criticism. Suggestions are also very welcome :) xxxx**


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